Thirty four years ago my husband and I conceived an unplanned and unwanted New Year’s Eve baby…
I did not love her.
I was convinced I’d ruined my life, my career, everything. It was a disaster.
Out of a sense of responsibility, I did everything “right” to the very end, including a natural, unmediated birth…by some miracle of humanity, the moment she emerged…I became a mother.
In spite of all my negative feelings during pregnancy, I realized I loved her…immediately and more profoundly than anything or anyone I’d ever encountered. Don’t worry about connecting now Bridget. Just wait for the miracle…it’s inexplicable.
Last summer I was thrilled to attend the unmedicated birth of her son, my first grandchild. The circle of life… 💕
Got accident/surprise pregnant for the first time at 42, had my baby girl at 43. Everything you just wrote went through my mind exactly. She is 8 months now, beautiful and happy, she is perfect. I still many times don't even feel like she's my daughter yet my love for her is like nothing I could imagine...ever. There is no more "me" and I'm ok with that, I live every moment willingly for her. The worry never goes away but you learn to live with it, I sometimes like to tell myself it is just our biological instinct to keep our child alive and preserve the species. Then I switch to the woo woo about how this soul chose me to be born and will carry on some special mission. The story changes every minute of the day, whatever works I suppose.
My kids are teens with one living on her own and I still worry. My mom worries about me, her mom probably still worries about her. I can't imagine it's not a normal part of motherhood to love these souls so deeply and want a perfect life for them even before they arrive. It's the ultimate out of control while wanting to be in control experience.
I had fertility issues and took lots of drugs to conceive my first so I know exactly how insane the worrying can be. (6 years later his sister magically appeared but she’s a whole other story) The worrying doesn’t stop after they come out either. My son is now 20. I still fret. He’s very kind about it and gently tells me he really is just fine. The first years of new parenting are so incredibly intense, more so when you’ve waited and hoped for so long. My best advice:remember to be kind to yourself, you don’t have to be perfect. You probably won’t listen any more than I did but I am filled with joy and happy memories traveling along this road with you. Thank you for sharing 💗
Feb 4, 2022·edited Feb 4, 2022Liked by Bridget Phetasy
Bridget- you’re so awesome. I’m 34 weeks preg today and I completely understand the head trip of it all... I miscarried before this one, so I was trying to power through the first trimester viability paranoia, when that exact thought occurred: I’m going to worry about this little being for the rest of my life, regardless of whether it’s in or out of me!
Now that I’m fully in the third tri, my ribs are sore from baby kicks and my emotions are throwbacks to first trimester blues, I do feel a certain steadiness that I know has more to do with biology than my wacky, neurotic brain, so there is that to look forward to.
Also: sometimes baby girl is throwing a party in my uterus, and sometimes she quiet as hell. I wish for a steadier kicker, but these babes’ patterns are all over the place.
Ina May’s guide to childbirth is an excellent tool. Not really lotus and crunchy, just real life birth stories of women roaring through. (I do have extreme skepticism when she talks about orgasmic births)
Also, the what to expect app has a ton of discussion boards on different preg topics, and I find it helpful and reassuring as well. Thanks for making this blog- I love your other content as well! Dumpster fire is a cathartic, hilarious way to process the insanity in the news. Cheers, blessings on you, babes, and your husband!
God it's like reading my own diary of pregnancy-- except I was 28. I felt like I was going absolutely insane the entire pregnancy, constantly worried that I was going to be blamed if the baby didn't make it. My normally manageable anxiety disorder became unmanageable. I went on prozac for the first time and it was life changing, I didn't know the weight of my anxiety until it was gone.
There's so much brutal pressure put on women during pregnancy, it's just crushing.
I am 42, my mother was 33 and my father 40 at my birth. Her mother was somewhere between 42 and 46 at her birth, meaning my maternal grandmother was born in Victorian times. Every item I have of hers is a piece of real history. Your daughter has you telling stories on tape so you’re already doing it right.
"The superstitions. The positive affirmations. It’s two sides of the same coin—which is very much me trying to exert control over a situation I have absolutely no control over. It’s all out of my hands, even if it’s in my body. And herein is the mind fuck that is pregnancy. (One of the many.)" This really hits the nail on the head. It's so common to fall into the trap that control = everything will be fine, I will plan it all. See also, extremely detailed birth plans (that will inevitably go out the window), perfect exercise/eating regimens, reading all the books. Like any crazy life thing it'll probably end up being more of a decision tree than a project plan. Best of luck.
An outstanding 4-part (so far) Fox-Nation video – “Who is Hunter Biden”
It details the corruption and monstrosity of US president and his family. Obama organized coup in Ukraine and Biden as his VP was a de facto governor of that beautiful country, selecting and removing its government members, judges and heads of the industry.
US has three main exports – coups, corruption and weapons – in democratic Ukraine it exported, at enormous profits for many US politicians and their children (Pelosi, Kerry, etc.), -- it exported ALL three – introducing enormous corruption while -- “fighting corruption”. Note, key roles of Adam Schiff, colonel Windman, Jake Sullivan, former Hillary and now Biden’s national security advisor, and rabid Cold War Russia-hater Fiona Hill in Russia-gate hoax concocted by St. Obama, Hillary and Biden.
Same lying team is promoting an “instant” attack on now oh soo “democratic” Ukraine with Nazi-army units whose snipers killed more than 70 people in 2014 Kiev’s Maidan square protests and burned nearly 100 people seeking safety in an Odessa building..
The documentary failed to show Biden infamous speech in Senate celebrating his new Draconian law for drug use “which no judge will be able to overturn or soften” – while his son, “the smartest businessman he ever knew”, was consuming for a decade hard drugs at rate of $40K/month or higher. Hunter’s teeth were so corroded from drugs that his dental work (crowns and implants) totaled $70K+.
It is certainly true that the incompetent clown Trump and anti-China GOP lunatics are bad. But Joe Biden’s corruption and war-mongering are comparable to Clinton’s family and even more dangerous.
Thirty four years ago my husband and I conceived an unplanned and unwanted New Year’s Eve baby…
I did not love her.
I was convinced I’d ruined my life, my career, everything. It was a disaster.
Out of a sense of responsibility, I did everything “right” to the very end, including a natural, unmediated birth…by some miracle of humanity, the moment she emerged…I became a mother.
In spite of all my negative feelings during pregnancy, I realized I loved her…immediately and more profoundly than anything or anyone I’d ever encountered. Don’t worry about connecting now Bridget. Just wait for the miracle…it’s inexplicable.
Last summer I was thrilled to attend the unmedicated birth of her son, my first grandchild. The circle of life… 💕
Got accident/surprise pregnant for the first time at 42, had my baby girl at 43. Everything you just wrote went through my mind exactly. She is 8 months now, beautiful and happy, she is perfect. I still many times don't even feel like she's my daughter yet my love for her is like nothing I could imagine...ever. There is no more "me" and I'm ok with that, I live every moment willingly for her. The worry never goes away but you learn to live with it, I sometimes like to tell myself it is just our biological instinct to keep our child alive and preserve the species. Then I switch to the woo woo about how this soul chose me to be born and will carry on some special mission. The story changes every minute of the day, whatever works I suppose.
My kids are teens with one living on her own and I still worry. My mom worries about me, her mom probably still worries about her. I can't imagine it's not a normal part of motherhood to love these souls so deeply and want a perfect life for them even before they arrive. It's the ultimate out of control while wanting to be in control experience.
I had fertility issues and took lots of drugs to conceive my first so I know exactly how insane the worrying can be. (6 years later his sister magically appeared but she’s a whole other story) The worrying doesn’t stop after they come out either. My son is now 20. I still fret. He’s very kind about it and gently tells me he really is just fine. The first years of new parenting are so incredibly intense, more so when you’ve waited and hoped for so long. My best advice:remember to be kind to yourself, you don’t have to be perfect. You probably won’t listen any more than I did but I am filled with joy and happy memories traveling along this road with you. Thank you for sharing 💗
Bridget- you’re so awesome. I’m 34 weeks preg today and I completely understand the head trip of it all... I miscarried before this one, so I was trying to power through the first trimester viability paranoia, when that exact thought occurred: I’m going to worry about this little being for the rest of my life, regardless of whether it’s in or out of me!
Now that I’m fully in the third tri, my ribs are sore from baby kicks and my emotions are throwbacks to first trimester blues, I do feel a certain steadiness that I know has more to do with biology than my wacky, neurotic brain, so there is that to look forward to.
Also: sometimes baby girl is throwing a party in my uterus, and sometimes she quiet as hell. I wish for a steadier kicker, but these babes’ patterns are all over the place.
Ina May’s guide to childbirth is an excellent tool. Not really lotus and crunchy, just real life birth stories of women roaring through. (I do have extreme skepticism when she talks about orgasmic births)
Also, the what to expect app has a ton of discussion boards on different preg topics, and I find it helpful and reassuring as well. Thanks for making this blog- I love your other content as well! Dumpster fire is a cathartic, hilarious way to process the insanity in the news. Cheers, blessings on you, babes, and your husband!
God it's like reading my own diary of pregnancy-- except I was 28. I felt like I was going absolutely insane the entire pregnancy, constantly worried that I was going to be blamed if the baby didn't make it. My normally manageable anxiety disorder became unmanageable. I went on prozac for the first time and it was life changing, I didn't know the weight of my anxiety until it was gone.
There's so much brutal pressure put on women during pregnancy, it's just crushing.
Let the universe unfold as it will. You'll be fine. You are up for this challenge. Try not to fight the current... Too much.
I am 42, my mother was 33 and my father 40 at my birth. Her mother was somewhere between 42 and 46 at her birth, meaning my maternal grandmother was born in Victorian times. Every item I have of hers is a piece of real history. Your daughter has you telling stories on tape so you’re already doing it right.
"The superstitions. The positive affirmations. It’s two sides of the same coin—which is very much me trying to exert control over a situation I have absolutely no control over. It’s all out of my hands, even if it’s in my body. And herein is the mind fuck that is pregnancy. (One of the many.)" This really hits the nail on the head. It's so common to fall into the trap that control = everything will be fine, I will plan it all. See also, extremely detailed birth plans (that will inevitably go out the window), perfect exercise/eating regimens, reading all the books. Like any crazy life thing it'll probably end up being more of a decision tree than a project plan. Best of luck.
An outstanding 4-part (so far) Fox-Nation video – “Who is Hunter Biden”
It details the corruption and monstrosity of US president and his family. Obama organized coup in Ukraine and Biden as his VP was a de facto governor of that beautiful country, selecting and removing its government members, judges and heads of the industry.
US has three main exports – coups, corruption and weapons – in democratic Ukraine it exported, at enormous profits for many US politicians and their children (Pelosi, Kerry, etc.), -- it exported ALL three – introducing enormous corruption while -- “fighting corruption”. Note, key roles of Adam Schiff, colonel Windman, Jake Sullivan, former Hillary and now Biden’s national security advisor, and rabid Cold War Russia-hater Fiona Hill in Russia-gate hoax concocted by St. Obama, Hillary and Biden.
Same lying team is promoting an “instant” attack on now oh soo “democratic” Ukraine with Nazi-army units whose snipers killed more than 70 people in 2014 Kiev’s Maidan square protests and burned nearly 100 people seeking safety in an Odessa building..
The documentary failed to show Biden infamous speech in Senate celebrating his new Draconian law for drug use “which no judge will be able to overturn or soften” – while his son, “the smartest businessman he ever knew”, was consuming for a decade hard drugs at rate of $40K/month or higher. Hunter’s teeth were so corroded from drugs that his dental work (crowns and implants) totaled $70K+.
It is certainly true that the incompetent clown Trump and anti-China GOP lunatics are bad. But Joe Biden’s corruption and war-mongering are comparable to Clinton’s family and even more dangerous.